argh.
After all this while, I realise that I know very little of myself and what I want. I am highly indecisive. After almost 20 years of life, you still don’t know what you want? Youu still don’t understand how this works? I think I do. But I was stupid, and acted as if I couldnt care less (as usual).
It dawned on me me that I do care. A LOT. And I realise it when it is (maybe) too late (as usual again). And I don’t know what to do. I can try my best now. But I can’t forgive myself for not trying my best from the very start.
I daydream too much, that’s for sure. I always hope and think that everything will go according to plan in the end. well can’t really blame me (coz most of the things have indedd gone according to plan, lucky me.) But I should know better. What if it doesn’t? and there is a VERY very very high chance that it won’t this time.\
I think I might be looking at this whole thing wrongly. Is it? I wish I were someone else. I think I am trying to be someone else. I know can’t do that. But I look up to you. I really do.
I want to be myself. But I don’t know if that is good enough. I hope it is. I think it is. But there is an overwhelming evidence that it might not be the case. And I am scared. I am intimidated by others. Am I too naive? Will being true to yourself pay off?
(even in the midst of writing this I am not convinced that this is really what I want. hopeless. All i know is that I want it. Quite badly. But I have no reason why.)
