Random thoughts

oh for the sake of completing my complains…

I didn’t know that everything can be so complicated… (and miserable for me. haha)

I havent even got called for teaching award interview while sooooo many ppl have actually gotten the award.

and i don’t know how other ppl can get called for so many interviews for scholarships. (and ruini their own chances but not knowing simple stuff, again not arrowing anyone. just a general sense.)

oh now I probably know why you should always do your best. and never take the chances that you have for granted.

about a lot of things.

oh side track a bit. was just reading ppl’s blogs and some class blogs.. realised that blogs are actually a v good way of keeping in touch with other ppl. (if you write that in gp essay it’ll probably be marked down as it is too micro. but the micro stuff are probably the most important things that one can have in life, and sadly, they’re probably considered as the least important.)

OK. so basically i didn’t get shortlisted for med. neither did lots of other ppl who got better grades than me. but i still want to complain.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???? THIS IS BLATANT DISCRIMINATION!!!!

ok la. I know I dun belong. and it is only fair that you give chance to ppl who do. but the fact that ppl who got perfect score and near perfect (only 1 B in the entire a lvl grade) aren’t shortlisted are just…. TOO MUCH!!!

what are we supposed to get then???

this whole thing makes me feel that my grades are damn lousy. (for the record, it’s 5As, H3 dist, 2Bs)

freak. I know it’s going to be competitive and tough and no chance to get it. no chance to get in, fine, I can take it. BUT NO CHANCE TO EVEN TRY???? nah.. that’s just too much…

the shortlisting process is only based on univ score (a lvl grades). and your nationality. (now I know that)

but I still don’t get it. I seriously don’t. If those ppl with near perfect scores don’t get shortlisted, who do? how do YOU decide? how do you know who deserves a chance? (maybe because I dun get how this whole thing works, I still dun believe it until now.)

I HATE IT WHEN I CAN’T TRY.

and i hate the fact that i have taken it for granted that I will probably get shortlisted. this is over confidance and arrogance is it? thinking that i’m so good while i’m probably just mediocre.

but wth. I’m tired of being humble. let me be arrogant just this once. I think I am good enough. I really do. and if they let me go through the whole thing I think I might actually stand a chance. I’ll probably can get it if I were a citizen.

there you have it. it’s not often that I say this.

what probably pains me more is seeing ppl who got shortlisted but don’t understand how blessed they are.

Do the porfolio so last minute. went to test only writing half a page or write cliche stuff. knowing so little about medicine. Going to interview with little preparation. (i’m not trying to arrow anyone, it’s just a general sense that i get.)

wth. you(s) dun know how much i’ll put in if i were you(s). I’ve actually prepared part of my portfolio 2 weeks before that. (and I actually continued doing it over the doomed weekend). hah stoopid me.

and the saddest thing that came out of this whole thing is that only now I realised why I want to go to NUS med so much. HAHA. (the the little voice in my head will say: sorry, but it’s too late for that…. )

you don’t realise how much you want/treasure something until it’s taken away from you. (so i think i should be thankful for what I have. although it’s not what I want but i’m still grateful for it)

maybe that’s the reason why i’m holding (too tightly) to what I have. which is not much anyway.

wah. seriously. there’s something wrong with me.

I still dare to hope.

when the lady specifically said "All of the letters have been sent out on 18th April. You can check your online application status, and if you are shortlisted you’ll see a link specifying your interview date. If you are not shortlisted it will not appear at all."

then I went to check. and obviously there’s nothing on my page. (not that i’m expecting anything. i’ve checked it before I called)

and here I am still daring to hope.

hoping that there is something wrong with the mail thing. and when I go down to office in 1o mins time, i’ll find it there. HAHA.

I think I spend way too much time thinking what if I get in. rather than what if I don’t.

and in the midst of writing this i’m still hoping. can you believe that?

Be wary of your own confidence. it kills. You are not better than anyone else. you are not even as good.

This is the part where there are two voices playing in you head (and you think that you may lose your mind).

A: "maybe you’ll get it"

B: "dream on"

A: "there is nothing wrong with being positive"

B: "yea right. don’t blame me if you get more dissapointed in the end"

A: "I won’t. then i’ll just know that I’m meant to do other things"

B: "HAHA. don’t try to bluff yourself. you know you’re just saying that because that’s the right thing to say"

I’ll go down and check the letter now. and i’ll post again which side wins the battle. Does being positive pay? we’ll see.

I hesitated writing coz i dunno whether this deserves a post. but i think it’s a good learning point so i’ll write it down anyway.

So many ppl got shortlisted to med. and i havent heard anything. now i know how it feels. it sucks.

i dunno what am i supposed to feel right now. hopeful? haha. others will always say positive things. but that’s just what you are supossed to do. I dunno also why i’m thinking too much abt this. is it too much?

like seriously. there is nothing i can do right now. NOTHING. till monday. that’s quite a long wait. haha.

I can just conviniently calm myself down by whatever others say: “maybe it’s the hostel mail sorting thing?” (doesnt work. I sort all the mail that comes to hostel. ALL. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.)
“something wrong with the post system.” (doesnt work either, someone in hostel get it. means mail can actually get sorted correctly and come to hostel in time)

or I can also be positive and give myself all kind of excuses like wait till monday, maybe it’s just not your cup of tea, maybe God wants me to do other things. it’s tiring trying to be positive. really.

Honestly, I just feel like screaming.

oh and the funny thing is that I still act as though I couldn’t care less. that’s just what I do all the time actually.

there’s one good thing that comes out of this whole situation. not sure whether that’s counted as a good thing though.

oh I’ve just realised that I wrote about “good learning point” at the beginning of this post. that’s me TRYING to be positive.

ok. time passes by very very fast. i think i’ve been saying this to many many people lately.

have been pretty busy the past two days, with tuition on tuesday and ica and smu interview and preparing for bio ytd. but today was quite ok.

bio lessons weren’t probably very ok. since i think i’m very slow. but i dunno how to move at a faster pace without having to recite the whole answer to them. haha now i know how it feels to stand in front of the class and getting no answer. will try to get more people to answer by calling their names. does that work? i really believe that lessons shouldnt be a one way thing. this relief teaching thing is making my life a bit more interesting i guess.

smu interview was ok. glad that i came, so i know how i react during interviews when there are unexpected questions. i think i need to be more formal. too much singlish was involved in the previous interview. haha.

moving to more pressing matters. haha. still need to write personal statement and cca list. (not that i’ve gotten any letter, but better safe than sorry). and need to study for my tuition. she’s a nice and hardworking person. (which makes it more difficult for me coz i need to prepare more) haha.

hmmm. For some reason recently I was often reminded (in many ways) of the presence of God in our life. I think very often we (or rather I) think too much about out plans. what we want to do, or what we think we want. and we think that we can make all the decisions by ourselves. I am glad that I was reminded by friends to just leave it in God’s hands.  And I was not being reminded by that just one time, but on few more occassions as well. I think it has helped. I dunno how to phrase it, but it has indeed helped me to think of decision making differently. For now I will just do my best and see where God leads me to.

and how do you know when to stop pursuing your dreams?

After all this while, I realise that I know very little of myself and what I want. I am highly indecisive. After almost 20 years of life, you still don’t know what you want? Youu still don’t understand how this works? I think I do. But I was stupid, and acted as if I couldnt care less (as usual).

It dawned on me me that I do care. A LOT. And I realise it when it is (maybe) too late (as usual again). And I don’t know what to do. I can try my best now. But I can’t forgive myself for not trying my best from the very start.

I daydream too much, that’s for sure. I always hope and think that everything will go according to plan in the end. well can’t really blame me (coz most of the things have indedd gone according to plan, lucky me.) But I should know better. What if it doesn’t? and there is a VERY very very high chance that it won’t this time.\

I think I might be looking at this whole thing wrongly. Is it? I wish I were someone else. I think I am trying to be someone else. I know can’t do that. But I look up to you. I really do.

I want to be myself. But I don’t know if that is good enough. I hope it is. I think it is. But there is an overwhelming evidence that it might not be the case. And I am scared. I am intimidated by others. Am I too naive? Will being true to yourself pay off?

(even in the midst of writing this I am not convinced that this is really what I want. hopeless. All i know is that I want it. Quite badly. But I have no reason why.)